What i truly want to do

One of the things I love most about writing is the ability to share my soul. Unfortunately, because of a hectic summer schedule, I have not allowed myself much time for reflection or reflective writing– or any thing else beyond homework and life maintenance.
In fact, most of what I have written this summer, I feel, was thrown together in a rush and shoved into the world because of a deadline or a sense of obligation, not because I allowed myself to pour over each word, as a good writer would.
What to do?
I must finish college, and I’m close– only 10 months left to go. I must, or I feel I must, continue cranking words into the world. I must keep up with deadlines or else let down an editor who may or may not bad mouth me afterward and may or may not give me another chance. I must keep up with my husband, the house, the bills and do my best to keep in touch with friends, family and colleagues– though I hear myself apologizing a lot.
All I can ever do is my best, and that is what I’m doing now– but I am down.
I am down because I am ignoring my muse. I am down because I need more sleep. I am down because there is no time to become entranced by a book. I am down because I feel off course and out of touch.
But, I am not off course. I am running as fast as I possibly can toward my goals, and that is a virtuous and admirable way to be.
The problem? I’m not allowing much time for anything else, for any sight seeing or moments to catch my breath.
It’s my mistake.
I have taken on a lot, completely sure I could handle it all (and I can). I feel like even mentioning all of this might equal complaining, and I don’t mean to complain. It’s just, I long for more than this.
I look forward to the day when my university studies are behind me and I can focus on what I truly want to do – write.